who would have thought

he would make me go through such pain. it hurts so bad right now i wish i was dead. i always wanna think that i'm stronger than i am.. but i do get affected by the things i see. i have been feeling sad since bs at G&W's house earlier. seeing them happily married and two other couples happily attached. i could feel my inner voice crying out "it could have been me!" but no... now what's left are just broken dreams. brokenness. i dont even know how to put it. went to watch Definitely, Maybe with the gang. i thought it was a stupid show! but still i got affected by it seeing some form of similarity in our stories. although i think even my story can be more exciting than the show. the streets of newyork just brings back even more memories. i cant imagine having to erase all of that from my life. i just can't! i want him back. i want him back! =( i want what i deserve and i detest the potential intruders! they dont deserve him. i do! why cant we just be tog? SIGH. WHY! =(((((((((((

SIGH. PAIN.

This is really the worst pain I've felt in my life. EVER. I feel pain in every part of my being. Nights of crying have turned me into a zombie. Walking amongst the living, but yet, feel so dead. DEAD. I love him. I miss him. I still can't accept the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. How can one change so much after 6 3/4 years of love? It almost felt like these years didnt mean anything. I had him in every part of my future. I would think I lived for our future. Now, I have to erase this happy image in my mind. I have to force myself to realise that this guy doesn't want me anymore. Not anymore. He wants me as a friend. WTF? How can one be so cruel. I am totally crushed. I dont think I can love again. I wish I was never with him. It's just too painful. How can it be this painful? SIGH. I feel miserable =((((((((((((((((((((((((( No amount of words can describe what I'm going through. No amount of words can soothe my pain. Not even God. I can't seem to wanna rely on God. I dont know why. Perhaps I've blocked him out for too long? People say only God can heal my pain. As of now, I feel like nothing can heal my pain. Unless he comes back to me. I'm weak isn't it?

SIGH. I don't know what else to say... I need to do something. Just anything.

spare me...

i wish you could spare me from this misery... from the pain of not knowing... and clinging on to a hope that may vanish. i hate to see me this weak. hate it. how i wish things could go back to the way they were. carefree? what does that mean? am i that hard to be with? SIGH. i miss you. pls come back to me eventually? =|

Smashed into Pieces

It feels like my heart has stopped. I'm not sure if I am able to take this pain. God help me pls. It hurts so bad... my mind cant stop thinking abt you. Is it so hard loving me? =(

A New Year of Unknowns

The new year seems to be picking up rather slowly, be it at work or in my personal life. Ever since I returned from my trip, I haven't been working out. I haven't engaged in any activity that remotely resembles exercise, unless walking counts? Even walking can be a problem sometimes when I delibrately choose to take the bus in the morning so that I can alight AT orq (even if it means I'll be late for work). What more, at the back of my mind, memories of nyc and toronto still lingers. I still feel a sense of nostalgia after so long. Of course ultimately, it is dan that I miss. Very much. Much more than ever since he left :( What do I do? Sigh.

I never thought much of v-day even when he was around in the past. Perhaps it's because we have been together for such a long time. Perhaps I do think like some guys do, that v-day is simply an occasion to rip off couples. It is probably both of these reasons. hehe... Am I a good catch or what? ;) Somehow this year felt different. I actually wanted to celebrate v-day. I may not have shown it, but I wanted it very much. By celebrating, I mean spending time alone away from the world... sharing a special moment. I would love to have him cook for me in our (imaginery) home... sip wine for the rest of the night... just enjoying each other's company and celebrating the love we share so deeply for so many years. I would do anything for that moment on 14 Feb. Unfortunately, that couldn't happen for obvious reasons and what's worse was I tried studying CFA at Macs and didn't achieve much coz my body was just so tired from drinking the night before.

*****

In terms of career, I am just hating the job scope. the people. the bonus. the increment. the prospects. the culture. I am not meant to be here and am definitely made for bigger things than this. This is probably why I could talk to Ed yesterday. Ed is a very different person when you actually get to know him. On the outside, he appears to be like the people in my team. That is so wrong. He's someone who thinks like me. We're meant for greater things. What the HELL are we doing here? *Short-changed* I really hope UBS calls me this week. I really want the job. I want UBS.

*****

I am feeling SO happy these days coz I have SO many friends. I didn't realise this before but I really thank God for such a sweet bunch of friends from uni, jc, sec sch. Esp Uni, considering how much I used to bitch about the cheenaNESS of biz ad. I've found my place. Finally!

As much as I am glad and happy, I still feel rather empty at times. I guess no matter how vibrant a social life I have now, it still can't be compared to what dan and I share when he was around. He occupies a special part of my life that no one else can fill... and I really need him now. I miss him so much it hurts. SIGH. Please come back soon?

Probably feeling all these emotions coz I was blog surfing and saw how sweet other ppl's bfs were... all the tiffany's... all the efforts put in... plus class 95 isn't helping right now. haha...

Anyways.. it's Monday tmr.. yet another week of battle... but I will survive. =)